Sunday, November 13, 2016

5 Ways to Make Chickfila Great Again

Some might argue that Chick-fil-a is already great. The lines wrap around the building during lunch hours. Double drive-thru lanes are popping up rapidly. But this is America where we expect perfection. I don't mean the America that fancies a sliding
scale menu for the entitled or exorbitant wages for college workers to afford their IKEA furnished apartments and photo-opp drink habits. I mean the America that wants things to be like they used to be when life was slower and priorities were centered around family rather than self(ies). The Chick-fil-a business model epitomizes traditional American values, so let's make this place great again.

  1. Teach employees to count napkins. As a keeper of extras, I have daily appreciation for the colossal stack generously included with each order. However, I can't help but wonder what role this liberality played in my recent meal inflation.
  2. Join hands with tree-huggers. Although hipsters and conservatives don't often unite, Chick-fil-a can conciliate by demonstrating genuine value to human life and God's creation in providing non-toxic and easily degradable packaging. (Want to know more? Read this.)
  3. Implement a bag folding policy. Chick-fil-a employees are highly skilled at bag stuffing. At any point, I expect to see a little yard sign in the drive-thru line boasting, "Yesterday we hoarded 265 extra bags." While I applaud all conservation efforts, I do expect the food I take home to be appetizing by the time I get there. 
  4. Pour tea properly. It is one of the Seven Deadly Southern Sins to serve tepid iced tea. A fountain Coke needs one level of ice. Recently brewed, still-warm tea needs quite another. Iced tea in the South deserves the highest consideration. 
  5. Eliminate the unconventional fry. Like the lone black pea in a can of white acres, this fat, end-fry is loathed by children, discarded by OCD'ers, and drenched in extra sauce by the sacrificial Mikeys. Do us all a favor and upgrade that potato cutter. The fry count is already consistently inconsistent. Annihilating that bothersome chubby guy will make room for a few more of the ones we crave.
Don't be deplorable, Chick-fil-a. Make yourself great again.